For my final post, I want to get a bit more personal and talk about the way the media, especially social media, has affected a trend that is a big part of my life: buzzcuts.
In about the last three or four years, there has been a significant rise in the amount of women shaving off all of their hair. While celebrities like Natalie Portman, Sinéad O'Connor, and Demi Moore have certainly rocked this buzzed look in the past, we are seeing more and more women taking the plunge. I think it's without question that one's hair has had immense weight and importance in each woman's identity and security throughout history. HuffPo has an article talking about the history of the importance of hair to women, explaining that a lot of women see their hair as part of the reflection of their identity and femininity. This idea has been perpetuated since Biblical times and has resulted in the hair and beauty industries growing to astounding sizes. HuffPo also mentions how "the average woman spends approximately $50,000 on her hair over her lifetime and almost two hours a week washing and styling her hair." The rejection of western society's beauty standards, the challenging of gender norms, and the challenging of the male gaze have all been cited as reasons for women across the nation to opt for this buzzed, easily maintainable look. The rise in social media has certainly added to this rise in popularity, as there is more access to celebrities' lives as well as the ability to make and join pages that celebrate bald and buzzed ladies. Celebrities like Kristen Stewart, Cara Delevingne, and Halsey (among so many others) are inspiring their fans to go short. And Instagram pages like buzzcutfeed give people inspiration and plenty of reference images to try out the bold look themselves.
While I love how many women are owning this look and how it's becoming so mainstream and acceptable, it still comes as quite bittersweet to me. I wish I could say that my short hair is a challenge to beauty standards or gender norms, but it's not. I have trichotillomania, an anxiety-caused disorder also known as a Body Focused Repetitive Behavior (BFRB), where I pull my hair out. To keep the impulsion at bay, I keep my hair buzzed. I've been a nail biter all my life, an even more common BFRB, but my trich didn't develop until the tail end of 2013. I first shaved my head in August of 2014, and I've shaved it another four times since then. Up until 2013, my struggle with my hair was always subconscious; I styled it and fretted over it like any other teenage girl, but I didn't see it as a defining aspect of my identity, of who I am. Throughout high school, I went from long hair to a pixie to growing it back out to cutting it all off again and so on. However, it's very different now. I often feel so conflicted about my hair, because I now associate it with my disorder. I know my anxiety doesn't define me, but it is definitely still a part of who I am. I go through phases of being proud of who I am and my short hair, as well as phases of hating it and seeing it as a failure. And these phases can last months or just days. I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect my self-esteem. And I'd be lying if I said that I still feel feminine all the time with a shaved head. Here's where this buzzcut movement gets bittersweet for me: I didn't shave my head for the same reasons, so I don't feel a part of it. I don't see my buzzcut as a radical statement or as a brave exploration of identity. And I'm jealous of the women who get to shave their head for those reasons. I'm also jealous of the women who get to grow their hair back out. I wish I had that luxury.
While I hold onto this resentment of my situation being one of necessity while others can be more carefree about their hair choices, I am still proud of the women who choose to shave it all off just for the fun of it or to make a statement about beauty standards. And there is some personal benefit to this trend-- I am getting less invasive questions about why I shave my head. More people are assuming it's a fashion choice. While I am still hard on myself and deal with the shame whenever it rears its ugly head, I don't have to worry about others asking insensitive questions much anymore. Most of the time, I actually get praise for doing something they view as "brave," and I've learned to smile and accept the compliment whenever I don't feel like having the trich conversation (which tends to be a big downer, honestly). And it actually attracts a lot of female empowerment? I can't tell you how many girls have complimented my hair and wished they had the guts to shave theirs. I, of course, tell them to go for it, because it is a good look.
I do love seeing such positive talk on social media surrounding the #ShortHairDontCare and #GirlsWithShavedHeads movements, don't get me wrong. One of my good friends from high school linked me to the video below a few months ago, and it still gets me even now.
I try very hard to allow myself to participate in this positivity, but my confidence does fluctuate (especially depending on the state of my eyebrows/eyelashes, because yes those are affected by my trich as well) and it fluctuates often. Only two of the five times I've shaved my head did I feel liberated, excited, and free. And even then, that feeling doesn't last the entire time my hair is short, especially if the pulling starts back up again once I start to grow it back out. This most recent time I shaved my head, the next morning I woke up, felt my hair, and thought, "Oh shit, what did I do?" Like I said, I feel very conflicted about this all the time always. I'm sure it shows in this post. I want so badly to feel the way the girl in this video felt, and I want to keep working at associating my short hair with self-preservation and healing rather than with shame and failure. Maybe the more this trend grows, the more I'll be able to grow with it. And at least there's such positivity throughout social media encouraging me and others to embrace the bald.
In about the last three or four years, there has been a significant rise in the amount of women shaving off all of their hair. While celebrities like Natalie Portman, Sinéad O'Connor, and Demi Moore have certainly rocked this buzzed look in the past, we are seeing more and more women taking the plunge. I think it's without question that one's hair has had immense weight and importance in each woman's identity and security throughout history. HuffPo has an article talking about the history of the importance of hair to women, explaining that a lot of women see their hair as part of the reflection of their identity and femininity. This idea has been perpetuated since Biblical times and has resulted in the hair and beauty industries growing to astounding sizes. HuffPo also mentions how "the average woman spends approximately $50,000 on her hair over her lifetime and almost two hours a week washing and styling her hair." The rejection of western society's beauty standards, the challenging of gender norms, and the challenging of the male gaze have all been cited as reasons for women across the nation to opt for this buzzed, easily maintainable look. The rise in social media has certainly added to this rise in popularity, as there is more access to celebrities' lives as well as the ability to make and join pages that celebrate bald and buzzed ladies. Celebrities like Kristen Stewart, Cara Delevingne, and Halsey (among so many others) are inspiring their fans to go short. And Instagram pages like buzzcutfeed give people inspiration and plenty of reference images to try out the bold look themselves.
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While I love how many women are owning this look and how it's becoming so mainstream and acceptable, it still comes as quite bittersweet to me. I wish I could say that my short hair is a challenge to beauty standards or gender norms, but it's not. I have trichotillomania, an anxiety-caused disorder also known as a Body Focused Repetitive Behavior (BFRB), where I pull my hair out. To keep the impulsion at bay, I keep my hair buzzed. I've been a nail biter all my life, an even more common BFRB, but my trich didn't develop until the tail end of 2013. I first shaved my head in August of 2014, and I've shaved it another four times since then. Up until 2013, my struggle with my hair was always subconscious; I styled it and fretted over it like any other teenage girl, but I didn't see it as a defining aspect of my identity, of who I am. Throughout high school, I went from long hair to a pixie to growing it back out to cutting it all off again and so on. However, it's very different now. I often feel so conflicted about my hair, because I now associate it with my disorder. I know my anxiety doesn't define me, but it is definitely still a part of who I am. I go through phases of being proud of who I am and my short hair, as well as phases of hating it and seeing it as a failure. And these phases can last months or just days. I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect my self-esteem. And I'd be lying if I said that I still feel feminine all the time with a shaved head. Here's where this buzzcut movement gets bittersweet for me: I didn't shave my head for the same reasons, so I don't feel a part of it. I don't see my buzzcut as a radical statement or as a brave exploration of identity. And I'm jealous of the women who get to shave their head for those reasons. I'm also jealous of the women who get to grow their hair back out. I wish I had that luxury.
While I hold onto this resentment of my situation being one of necessity while others can be more carefree about their hair choices, I am still proud of the women who choose to shave it all off just for the fun of it or to make a statement about beauty standards. And there is some personal benefit to this trend-- I am getting less invasive questions about why I shave my head. More people are assuming it's a fashion choice. While I am still hard on myself and deal with the shame whenever it rears its ugly head, I don't have to worry about others asking insensitive questions much anymore. Most of the time, I actually get praise for doing something they view as "brave," and I've learned to smile and accept the compliment whenever I don't feel like having the trich conversation (which tends to be a big downer, honestly). And it actually attracts a lot of female empowerment? I can't tell you how many girls have complimented my hair and wished they had the guts to shave theirs. I, of course, tell them to go for it, because it is a good look.
I do love seeing such positive talk on social media surrounding the #ShortHairDontCare and #GirlsWithShavedHeads movements, don't get me wrong. One of my good friends from high school linked me to the video below a few months ago, and it still gets me even now.
I try very hard to allow myself to participate in this positivity, but my confidence does fluctuate (especially depending on the state of my eyebrows/eyelashes, because yes those are affected by my trich as well) and it fluctuates often. Only two of the five times I've shaved my head did I feel liberated, excited, and free. And even then, that feeling doesn't last the entire time my hair is short, especially if the pulling starts back up again once I start to grow it back out. This most recent time I shaved my head, the next morning I woke up, felt my hair, and thought, "Oh shit, what did I do?" Like I said, I feel very conflicted about this all the time always. I'm sure it shows in this post. I want so badly to feel the way the girl in this video felt, and I want to keep working at associating my short hair with self-preservation and healing rather than with shame and failure. Maybe the more this trend grows, the more I'll be able to grow with it. And at least there's such positivity throughout social media encouraging me and others to embrace the bald.
I love your honestly and you bring up some really great points in this. I actually remember reading about trichotillomania a long time ago probably in 17 magazine and I almost forgot about it but I liked how you showed that trends are just that trends. People have reasons behind the things the do and it's hard to feel apart of something that you didn't do for the same reasons. Self love is hard but its not impossible. Medias recent embracement of shaved heads is great and I really hope those who rock this style out of their own choosing can get some on the positivity that the "movement" is trying to promote.
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